Updated: Oct 1, 2020
For more than 7 years I have been a mother and if you count the first pregnancy, which I feel is relevant, it has been 8 years of motherhood. My whole existence got turned around, my whole concept of self, my focus, my purpose...I became a mother while I was still studying and indeed while I was still discovering what it is I even want to do with my life. Motherhood happened, and that process got interrupted. I did finish my degrees but there was no more space to build a career. Perhaps if I would have had clear direction within myself, as to what that career would even be, space could have been made, but I had none, and I embraced motherhood to the fullest. I don't regret it. I loved every minute of it. I can truly say, I did not suffer through the sleepless nights but embraced my new role with all of my love and passion. Not only that, motherhood gave me direction, motherhood brought me to myself, motherhood made my "self" come to the surface for me to see it clearly. My kids are still young and I still love motherhood so much, but a while ago, I started having the desire to develop myself individually as well. I was bored of doing random "mum-jobs" that brought in a bit of extra money but had no future and also were not terribly inspiring for my personal development.
The creative craft I chose is mind blowing and wonderful because I am so happy I have found joy in creation, which I truly lacked for so many years. Together with this, my yoga practice and me generally following my inner voice, I also feel a lot more bubbling beneath the surface. I am now developing a brand. A jewellery brand but also as a bigger picture, a personal brand which will incorporate all the things I love and believe in. My goal is not to be rich or famous, I'm not terribly interested in being an influencer or a trend setter. I do this to live my life the way I want to live it. To be authentic, enrich my life with purpose and contribute something to this world, which is quite simply, ME.
So many doubts come flooding in and try to create obstacles within myself, preventing me from showing everyone who I am. When mothers step back out into the world, after years of working at home, self confidence is so often very low. Our role is completely under appreciated in society and we feel like we are not good enough and have missed the years to develop as business women that are valued and worth something outside of the house. I know what motherhood has done for me, I know how I have grown, I know the skills I have acquired and I know that this has made me invaluable in many ways, not least for two little humans growing up in this world. Parts of me know, and others doubt. Society doesn't appreciate our role but even the closest people to us make us feel so small at times. It takes so much to find appreciation for yourself when you are not getting any feedback from outside.
When you're out, working a paid job, you have your small and big successes, you get feedback from co-workers, you get paid....When you're a mother, you have to most of the time find the 'feel-good-about-yourself' on your own entirely. You don't get paid, you rarely get told what an amazing job you have done with managing a family home and raising children. The best you'll get, and it is truly amazing when that happens, is "mummy you are the best ever".
So the challenge is to know what I am worth without the need for recognition. I believe then my authentic self can do what it is born to do in this world.
I recently experienced a situation that made me realise that I was not being authentic to myself, that this was perhaps why I seem to be going in circles, that, even though I thought I was finally doing what I want to be doing, I am still trapped inside a mindset, which is telling me to act, look and do things a certain way in order to be accepted. My heart and soul are clear and stable, my mind is doing ok too, but the deeper mindset and sense of self that have been established over 35 years of life in a pretty sick society, need some serious deconstructing.
When I got married I was seeking stability, when I got separated I had stability inside of myself. Now I am on a journey to find stability for myself on the outside.